Best Seinfeld Quotes


Did you ever want to use a quote from Seinfeld in real life?

“I am Costanza, king of the idiots”

“I don’t wanna be a pirate”

“They’re real and they’re spectacular”

“You double dipped a chip! Next time, just take one dip and end it!”

“Yadda, yadda, yadda, I’m tired today.”

“Responsible? why do you want to be responsible? Every time something bad happens the first thing people ask is ‘how’s responsible for this?'”

“No soup for you, come back, 10 years!”

“It’s 3 a.m. and I’m at a cock fight. What am I clinging to? “

“Pimple popper, MD”

“I hate the Drake!”

“Cancer?…Get out of here!!”


“I can’t go back to coach. I can’t… I won’t.”

“Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint -it’s delicious!

“There are no ‘Moops”, you idiot, it’s Moors, Moors!”

“STELLA!!!! …. STELLA!!!!”

“These pretzels are making me thirsty.”

“The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli… “

“You know how to take a reservation, but you don’t know how to hold the reservation. When the holding is really the most important part of the reservation.”

“If I had a son, I would name him Isosceles — Isosceles Kramer.”

“I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?”

“I don’t know her sister. But believe me, if she’s getting tickets she’s not good looking”

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”

“Please, I think I’ve reached a point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie.”

“She doesn’t deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby monsoon.”

“A Festivus for the rest of us.”

“Toss me an apron, let’s bagel!”

“Maybe the dingo ate your baby.”

“Just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.”

“You’ve been living a lie? I’ve been living… like twenty.”

“Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody’s ever cracked the 50% barrier. “

“I’m a guy that respects a good comma.”

“You don’t touch the nose, you don’t aspire aspire to reach the nose, and no man has ever tried to look up a woman’s nostrils.”

“Oh, it’s got cachet, baby! It’s got cachet up the ying-yang!

“‘My wife’ this, ‘my wife’ that…it’s an amazing way to begin a sentence.”

“Well … you only have 50 years or so to go and it will all be over.”

“I’ve never been the bad boy” –  “You’ve been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend, …, the bad fiancee, the bad dinnerguest, the bad credit risk, …, the bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen, …, the bad tipper!”

“Good looking men have all the luck. There are no handsome homeless.”

“I am baaack babyyyy!”

“I don’t like people!” – “They’re the worst!”

“There are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on families go to war.”

“Doesn’t like you? How can anybody not like you?

“You held out for less money… you know the basic idea of negotiating is to get your price to go up.”

“How much flan can a person eat?”

“I’m open, there’s just nothing there!”

“Oh, this is just so, very sophisticated.”

“Well, generally speaking you don’t need any extra incentive to murder a dry cleaner.”

“Of course we have a deal! They get out of the way and we look the other way on the statue defecation.”

“If people will only look to the cookie all our problems will be solved.”

“It is not a purse! … It’s European!”

“That’s what mail is! without bills, magazines and junk there is no mail!”

“A George divided upon himself cannot stand!”

“I tell you what, if the pigman shows up, we’ll squeeze him in.”

“If Houdini couldn’t do it, what chance do I have?”

“Mr Kramer, he is an innocent primate.” – “So am I.”

“Was that wrong? I gotta tell you, I have to plead ignorance on that. Because if someone had told me that kind of thing was frowned upon!”

“This is the way society works. ’cause if you don’t want to be a part of society, why don’t you just get in your car and move to the East Side.”

“But I’m disturbed, I’m depressed, I’m inadequate, I got it all!”

“You’re spotting dimes, you’re eating onions, I don’t know what’s going on!!”

“That is some magic loogie!”

“Appearance Not Important! This is unbelievable. Finally this is an ideology I can embrace.”

“Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?”

You gotta see the baaabyyy!”

“I can’t watch a man sing a song. They get emotional, they sway … it’s embarrassing!”

“I couldn’t take my eyes off myself”

“You’re saying: ‘store jotsy totsy, home jotsy notsy'”

“He’s good looking, he’s a good shaver, and he hasn’t thrown up in 8 years!”

“It’s like being in Idaho and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I’m in Idaho. I want a potato.”

“Not a man? so what are does ties and sports coats doing in my closet?”

Thanks to daily hour of Seinfeld dose and TBS who probably own all the copyrights to each and every word as well as the logo, not that there’s anything wrong with that. But I’m only a fan, I have no intentions of profiting from these.
Sponsored by:    Kramerica, Inc.